Note: Many of the URL's provided in this and other columns have changed or disappeared in the decade since this column was written. They are left intact in these columns to preserve the original content.

One of the tough parts about writing a monthly column is choosing a topic. You see, my editor, Stan, makes me adhere to a strict set of journalistic guidelines, namely, that I need to write 800 words.

So a few days ago, while reading the Wall Street Journal, I read something that struck me as both humorous and terrifying at the same time. Presto, we have a topic.

In an actual news item from the Journal, there is an article about "IBM Launching New Internet Products In Niche Left by Microsoft, Netscape", where a Mr. Wladawsky-Berger (really) disses Netscape and Microsoft for being "out of their (IBM's) league when it comes to developing industry-specific Internet applications available world-wide, such as the system IBM unveiled yesterday that will allow electric utilities to sell surplus power over the Web". You just have to wonder what the URL for that site is, and if the URL is UL approved. We suggest wearing insulated gloves.

You might expect this kind of writing in the Journal, but not in our own "Computing News & Review", where, in last month's issue, it reported that General Automation had purchased Sequoia "for $11 in cash and stock". The article did not say whether or not any stamps or double coupons were involved, but it did add that GA had also acquired $3 million in debt in the deal.

Which suggests that Orange County's own Robert L. "Bob" Citron (whose name can be rearranged to form "Rob On Blob Critter"), may have a future in corporate takeovers - or being the humor columnist for CN&R. For those of you that don't know "Bob" Citron - who will be available for job interviews after his trial and possible jail sentence - he was the man at the helm of the $18 Billion Orange County investment pool and subsequent bankruptcy. He now is on trial for everything from misappropriating public funds to defrauding investors in his "Spotted Owl King" fast-food restaurant chain. The Orange County District Attorney wants to impose a very stiff sentence on the elderly "Bob", whose defense attorney portrays as - and we are not making this up - "a frail, old man hampered by limited intellectual abilities and organic brain dysfunction, a 'financial wizard' who performed arithmetic at a seventh-grade level and became a puppet of men with 'larcenous' hearts". The report goes on (and on) to emphasize how poorly qualified "Bob" was to handle the enormous investment pool, from his D's in Economics at USC to a disastrous decade of not being able to hold onto sales and collection jobs, to his inability to compound interest correctly. His lawyer also added that "Bob" "had trouble with fractions and misplacing decimals". Uh huh. All this time we have been worrying about the numbers to the right of the decimal point, where most of them now go to 9 positions. Now that the county is recovering from the nearly $2 Billion dollar loss, applications are being accepted for his former position. No experience or intelligence is required. Must be prepared to serve time on termination. EOE.

From the "Maybe He Was Right" file: the late Dick Pick had many passions beyond changing the face of computing. One of these was his fascination with kelp farms. (Again, really). He funded the development of a small kelp forest off the coast of Newport Beach, visiting it regularly to measure its growth and to search out its natural predators, starfish. He got some minor media coverage for his efforts, and was undoubtedly thinking about how to invent a tractor that would work on the ocean floor. Well, it seems that he may have been onto something. Our own Southern California Edison is now being forced by the California Coastal Commission to grow between 56 and 116 acres of kelp offshore from their beachfront "San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station and Radioactive Surfer Paradise" for damage they inflicted on the environment. From the same file: there are now several companies manufacturing and distributing foot-controlled mice. Check out: www.footmouse.com.

So here we are, poised at the brink of the Great Digital Information Age, where we are confronted with such soul-searching questions as "Did Pierre Salinger really believe a positing about TWA flight 800 that he read on the Internet?" and, speaking of 800, does this editor have a word-count feature? Excuse me while I

Jon Sisk
www.jes.com

Original article for Computing News & Review, November 1996

Copyright © 1996 Jonathan E. Sisk.