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If you ever decide to go to Europe, let me warn you right now that they speak hundreds of totally foreign languages there. Except for a few words common to all languages, like "Marlboro^®" and "Coca-Cola^®" - although there is some difference in the pronunciation of ^"®" — very few of these languages bear even the remotest resemblance to good old American English.

It is often said that you can recognize an American traveling abroad (or did they say it was a broad traveling American?) by virtue of the fact that whenever they experience language incompatibilities, they just speak louder and slower, occasionally punctuating their feeble communication attempts with hand gestures that all too often have their own translation, often resulting in trips to the local medical facilities for major body part repair and/or replacement. I once determined the source of a leather jacket in Rome by asking "moo?". The clerk responded "Baaaa".

Now, I don't include myself in the group of boorish Americans who subscribe to the "loud and slow" theory of communication. No, sir. I speak soft and slow, and while this has not provably increased my communication successes, I find that people do not call the local police nearly as often.

As the tax-deductible portion of my recent "research" sabbatical, I toured Western Europe in search of things related to the Internet. Among the countries I toured - that didn't speak American - were Italy, Germany, Switzerland, Holland and England, although, in England I was able to pickup about 60% of what was spoken to me, provided that it did not include a street address. (Another warning: England's street and city naming systems were apparently imposed by viscious psychopaths with a twisted sense of humor, resulting in city names like "Plots- On-Gronkster, 13".)

I carried my trusty notebook computer with me, and while I never once found a hotel where I could access the 'net, I was at least able to plug into actual electrical sockets designed by the same group who assigned city names in England. There are no standards for electrical plugs in Europe. In my opinion, this alone accounts for why the European Union or "EU" (pronounce this out loud in American) will never succeed.

But I was able to access the 'net in some major cities, thanks to the proliferation of Internet Cafes.

When I first started touring Europe in the early 80's, I learned that if you were ever stuck in a foreign country and absolutely had to find someone who could speak American, you could usually count on banks and airlines. To this short list, I now add Internet Cafes. They were consistently staffed by friendly, knowledgeable, young people (average age was about 12) who could both help with local information and almost any TCP/IP-related emergency. This can be useful information to know if you crash your NetScape in the Netherlands, or you get a hole in your WinSock in Wiesbaden. (Note for Americans, the "w" is actually pronounced as a "v", but it's not nearly as funny in this context.)

I should warn you of one potential 'net nightmare, however, that you could encounter in your travels: while each of the Internet Cafes throughout Europe speak "English", nearly all of the client applications they run are in the actual Mother Tongue of the domain (no 'net-pun intended). You just have to see NetScape or Windows '95 in Dutch sometime. Old, familiar pull-down menus offer many exciting random choices.

The Internet Cafes ranged from real funky in Amsterdam to extremely nice in Zurich. The one in Zurich, for instance, had 10 maxed-out, fully-configured workstations with every conceivable add-on, including video cameras and coffee makers.

It was tax-deductibly fascinating, watching young people in their natural social habitats, usually blowing each other away in a 'net version of Duke Nukem. (No language skills were required for this.)

It is not without irony that the concept of Digital Cash originated in Holland. While each of the countries I visited had multiple versions of their own official language, they also had multiple local currencies that fluctuate by the minute against the US dollar, not including commissions. Your best travel tip is to take your ATM card with you; it can provide countless hours of adventure trying to find a bank that recognizes your ATM network, which you can usually find within a convenient 100 Kilometers (about 150 gallons, US).

One final warning for potential European travelers: while some countries like Holland have the cleanest bathrooms in public facilities that may exist on the planet, they all seem to buy their paper supplies from Black and Decker, if you get our drift. Computer paper is not the only accessory you should carry. Oh, and by the way, American computer paper is also non-standard in Europe.

Even if you can't visit the Internet Cafes throughout Europe in person, through the magic of technology, you can visit the best of them through your Web browser at the URLs below.

Tot Ziens

Jon Sisk
On the road again
www.jes.com

Original article for Computing News & Review, September 1996

Copyright © 1996 Jonathan E. Sisk.