In the journalistic pursuit of tax-deductible adventures, I recently took a "research" cruise on Carnivale Cruise Lines. (It should be called "Carnivore Cruise Lines", as the principal activity aboard the ship is eating, with drinking a very close second.)

So, you may wonder, how could our tax-deductible trip seque into something technical, more specifically, something related to the 'net?

We're still not sure. Here’s why. Cruise ships appear to have not changed, technology-wise, since the Pilgrims first came over with Cathy Lee and Richard Simmons. Technology, on the high seas, tends to be limited to room service. We’re pretty sure that the in-cabin movies were the same ones the Pilgrims saw. With much time and beer to reflect on the technical developments in our lives, we came to a few revelations that we’d like to share with you now, if we could only remember what they were.

Wait. We remember now. We took a research tour of the bridge of the ship - the height of technology - and heard their tour-droid - an audioanimatronic Cathy Lee, slightly more lifelike than the real thing - boast about their latest and greatest piece of high-technology: a new GPS (Global Positioning Satellite) device. Many of you better informed readers will know that you can buy a GPS at your local Radio Shack for a few hundred bucks, just in case you want to find out - within fifty feet - of your exact position on the planet. This can be very handy when ordering a pizza from your car. "What is your address, sir?". "50-47-32". "What are the nearest cross-streets?". ("51 and 48").

I'd like to consider myself part of the "wired" set. My office looks like the bridge of the Star Ship Enterprise, only more accurate for space travel. We have computers, scanners, printers, modems, monitors, faxes, multiple phones with headsets, stereos, and a watch-dog named Milo, who, when the electronic doorbell rings, barks at the TV. It's sort of like Little House on the Prairie, if it had been set in the year 2140.

It's easy, within my circle of friends and associates, to think that everyone else is equally as "wired" as myself. But they're not, as my tax-deductible mission proved. I interviewed a number of tax-deductible cruisers, on their opinions on computing in general, and, for those who seemed to be with it, what their "wired" status was. My research lead us to the following statistics:

1. Most people on cruise ships do not have PC's.
2. These people also like to play slot machines.
3. Slot machines are not tax-deductible.

By a remarkable stroke of tax-deductible coincidence, this morning, in a Portland, Oregon, newspaper, one of our journalistic brethren wrote an article regarding the use of PC's in the home today. His research - which we're fairly sure did not take place on a cruise ship - could be summarized as follows:

1. Less than half of households in the US have PC's.
2. Less than half of them use them.
3. Less than half of them have modems.
4. Less than half of them use On-Line Services.
5. Less than half of them stay with the on-line service after the free trial offer hours expire.
6. Less than half of them use the service more than once a week.
7. Less than half of them do more than just email.
8. Less than half of them use the Web.

Wow. Impressive. So, for the remaining two people who are probably still reading this article, I thank you, and promise that the next column will be written on dry land. I'm going to Las Vegas, strictly for tax-deductible research purposes.

See you next issue.

Jon Sisk
www.jes.com

Original article for Computing News & Review, October 1995

Copyright © 1995 Jonathan E. Sisk.